I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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