i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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