wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
