Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
