someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Houston, we have a blender
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
