I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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