Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
