Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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