So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
