Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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