dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
