I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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