Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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