So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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