But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
