pop tarts are not kleenex
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
