either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
