I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
