I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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