She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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