you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
