I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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