I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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