it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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