I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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