today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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