She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
