At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
