We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
