I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
