I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize