all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
