Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize