"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
