Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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