Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
