This is not my ceiling
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
