I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
