Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
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We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
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