Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize