she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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