she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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