I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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