There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize