I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
