I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
