I need help removing her.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
