you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
