I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
