you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
