conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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