So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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