so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
