you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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