i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
