Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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