The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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