Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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