I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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