He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
