so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
