Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
