No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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