Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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