I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
