I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
